AT A LOSS....

It's hard to say where my emotions will be each day. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been numb and then there is anger. It's all pent up inside and I have yet to find someone who fully understands what I'm going through. That's the sad thing...no one does. And as much as people say they are there for me, I can't help but feel that I'll never be able to fully express how I'm feeling.

I miss home...and all I want is to be with my mom. I miss her! And I wish that there was more to do for her; especially at this time. It's a stressful and worrying situation and I am starting to recede into myself to "figure out" how to get through this. Sure, there have been rants to my life partner, but even he doesn't know what to say and sometimes it gets frustrating because I can't fully express how I am feeling without fear of upsetting him or whatnot. I don't know, maybe I'm just a little crazy with respect to all this.

What is there to do though that will help to better express what is going through my mind and through my heart. I feel broken inside and I worry that mom isn't telling us how she really feels. All that I want to do is take this away from her and not let her go through it. :(  Why my mom? She's the best woman that I know in this world and she is the only person who fully understands me and how I react to situations in this world. Her and I are the same....and if I can be half the woman she is when I am her age then I will be blessed simply knowing that my foundations in life came from her!

Lately I've been reading blogs from various people and trying to find some inspiration for my own writing. I have this desire to get back into expressing myself through words and bring my writing back up to the level where people were telling me that I could really get my point across through the words that I chose to use. Right now, because of everything going through my mind, I don't feel that i can do that to the ability that I used to have. Where did my passion for journalling go? It was something that was done on a daily basis and now it is something that comes into mind as an 'activity that I should get back into', but that's about it. Feelings used to be poured out through doodles and words covering pages of journals that represented where I stood in life at that moment. Is it the thought of someone reading those precious thoughts and using them against me? Or is it for the protection of the memories that are just mine and mom's?! I cherish everything that she and I share and I can only hope for many more years of those memories.....

So for now, while she goes through this 'fight' and comes out a survivor, my mind will present me with thoughts and emotions that I need to find a way to come to terms with. Until then I feel that I will remain....AT A LOSS

Can-cer

Cancer - to me it's a poisonous word...I want it to have no place in my family, and yet here we are and it does. It's a scary and numbing thing...because what can you really do for the person who has it? Nothing....it's the one disease that you can do nothing to really help except be there, and even then that can only go so far.

I'm not even sure how I completely feel about it at this point. All I know is that my emotions are all over the place and I'm hating how it makes each day seem. I want to be happy cause life is still going, and putting on a brave face because I need to in order for this person to stay positive and happy...but then I am struck with moments of pure anger. Anger, because how come this person has to be struck with this disease? Why now? It's not fair! And then there is the sadness...because there has been a time limit put on the life....and is it selfish that I want more memories...I'm sad that I may not get to share the biggest life-changing memories in my life and I want those memories....and then there is guilt that I am thinking more about how this is affecting me and not always thinking about how it must be affecting *m*.

I just want to get out of here...I hate being so far away and it's not fair! I feel completely cut off and now that time is short....I'm angry that I have to spend most of mine away from this person.....when all I want to do is be at their side! :( 

Too many emotions....too many thoughts....and the one person I'd be able to talk to about how I'm feeling, I can't because it's them who has this poisonous disease! :'(

Pre-Valentine's...

Valentine's Day...it happens every year, and so often we hear people say they are going to boycott it. But why? It's just a day about love...since when did anyone make a rule saying that it was a day only for couples?  Yes, I know I shouldn't be talking cause I'm in a great relationship...but I do have friends who are single...but it doesn't mean that they can't celebrate love too. We all have people in our lives who are special to us: a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, etc...

And why not make Valentine's Day everyday?  The fact that people wait an entire year in order to tell someone they love them...it's kind of sad.  You don't need society to grant permission to express your feelings for someone special...do you?!

In light of current circumstances, I have been slapped in the face with a reminder that life is too short and you always need to tell those closest to you that you love them. You never know what could happen or where life will take you....so tell them that you love them! Who knows, maybe it's the first time they've heard it in a long time! But why stop at one day? Every day make it a mission to spread love to those you care about....it will have great effects on their lives I can promise you that! And in the end you'll feel good to knowing that you helped to brighten someone's day by letting them know you're a) thinking about them, b) making them aware that they mean something special to you, and c) putting a smile on their face and touching their heart.

So as Valentine's Day approaches, put away your anti-valentine's sentiments regardless of whether you're single or in a relationship and make it a start to a daily occurence of spreading love!

Sometimes the answer is "no"...

This post may be a little bit different from the rest...but it's been something that I've been thinking about off and on for the last little while and need to put some thoughts out in writing.

As a Christian, as I have been practically all my life, I have grown up with the message that "God will give you the desires of your heart"...and I truly believe that. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think that the strong dreams and desires that I have in my heart are from God and will come to fruition when they are meant to.

What I have been struggling with lately is a young adult group that I attend here in Newcastle. I won't name any names, because that's really not the point of where my thinking has come from. What the real issue is....is that week after week (when I'm not bogged down by school work) a SMALL number of young adults get together to have a Bible study. Yes, we read the Bible....but it has seemed, and it has done for quite a few months now, that the Bible study is restricted to what was preached the previous Sunday. There is no originality and therefore people are not really getting into the Word like they profess that they are. This bothers me...Sunday sermons are great...and yes, should conjure up some discussion after the fact, but it should not be the dictation of what is discussed in young adult groups. I'm sorry to say, but sometimes the Sunday sermons don't speak out to the young people of today because pastors gear them towards the congregation that shows up on a Sunday.

Now I'm not saying that they never relate to young people, but what I'm trying to say is that when you are attempting to get together a group of young adults, not all of whom attend church on Sunday and are at very different points in their lives, you cannot just throw at them a Bible study where they are meant to pick apart the message that was given on the previous Sunday. Young people, especially in today's world, are faced with greater stressors and problems, and if people really took a look at the major issues among the youth, they would see that a sermon on "being godly preachers" won't necessarily speak to them in deep and profound ways. You have to reach them in unique and meaningful ways that speak directly to them. And I'm afraid you won't get that by "playing it safe and simply rehashing the Sunday sermon".

Another thing that has really been on my mind about this group is that EVERY single week....they say God ALWAYS gives you everything you ask for. That's simply not true! Why won't any of them admit that sometimes God says NO when you ask Him for something! They don't even consider that...all I have ever heard them tell people (particularly the ones who are new Christians, or who haven't accepted Christ yet) is that if they ask God for something, He will provide it. STOP creating delusions for these people...you're leading them into a false belief of who God really is. He says no when He knows what the better thing for us is. I have been told No many times, and it doesn't make me believe in God any less...it puts me back into my place and gives me the reality check that I so desperately needed at that particular time. Telling these people that God will always give them what they want will give a false sense of hope and that's not what Christianity is about.

All my life, growing up as a Christian in a Christian home, I have been taught to think of God as a father-like figure. And as any parent would agree....if a child asks for something, you don't always say yes to them. Sometimes, the best answer is NO, even if the child can't see that. They ask for candy and it's 20 minutes before dinner, you say No because you know, as their parent, that having a healthy meal is much more important that satisfying a sugar craving.

So why is this group continually deluding people of the truth?! That makes me angry...and really I have been struggling with these thoughts for a while now and I'm afraid that there is no one that I can talk to there because they all believe the same thing. And to me that's quite sad, because as a Christian we are called to go out and spread the truth...not create some fanciful picture that God will always provide the things WE want! We have to learn that sometimes the answer will always be No...we don't always know what's best for us.

This group...I'll keep going, simply because there are a couple people that go on occasion that I hope to see. But overall, I have been gently reminded of the passage which speaks of being aware of false prophets. Now I'm not saying that they are "false prophets" in the direct connotation, but I am going to be going to these group meetings with even more awareness than before. Last year, before I went back to Canada for the summer the group professed to have a number of desires for the group...one stood out in particular....they wanted the group to grow....it hasn't...and in fact, it has appeared to shrink. What's wrong with that picture? People come once or twice, and then don't come back. To me, that shows there is something not right...and maybe it's this false delusion that God will always give you what you ask for....or maybe it's something more than that. Anyways...my eyes are open and I'm definitely guarding my heart.  

Also, in certain recent events I have become more aware that there are some people in that group that I can no longer trust...and I don't feel comfortable sharing some of the stuff going on in my life with any of them. There are maybe one or two that I would share things with, if the situation was different, but the rest of the group I feel would probe and these people would crack under the pressure to "gossip" (for lack of better words) about what's going on in someone's life. Which is sad, because I believe we all need people to talk to at times....but the persistance to show up at someone's house to pray for them when there was no invitation to come to the house, really bothers me. I dunno....I see that more as pushing to know the details of the person's problem rather than actually caring for them. For example....I recently said that I had a prayer request but that I couldn't go into detail...rather than simply saying "ok i'll pray for you, for whatever it is"...I get "we're coming over and you're going to tell us what's going on"...um excuse me, but no...I did not at any time invite you and I explicitly said that it was something that I could not go into detail about. Why can't they respect that?! To me that's not Christian. My church back home had no problem praying for you if you said you had an unspoken prayer request...that created a safe atmosphere to acknowledge that 'hey, I need prayer, but I can't really say the details about why', and then they carried on with their lives. There was no pushing to get information and definitely no just showing up at someone's house demanding to know what it was that they wanted prayer for. To me that is completely disrespectful and that's my opinion...and if you disagree then fine, but frankly...how many people want someone they, in reality, don't really know much about probing into the details of their private life?! Not me, that's for sure.

I have more thoughts, but at this point I'm still struggling to sort through them all and can't yet put them into words.  This is something that is going to take time for me to deal with and work through...and just because I have these thoughts doesn't mean I'm moving away from Christianity...in fact it's making me move more towards relying on God even more than I already was instead of humanity. In the end, isn't it my relationship with God that matters the most?!  So, whoever reads this, if anyone....please just give what I had to say some thought...it may seem a bit garbled, but it's something I am trying to make sense of on my own.

Second year...full swing...home run?

Well, I'm almost at the halfway point of second year law. What can I say?! This year has been super hard...in terms of being away from home that is. There is a heavier workload but that's expected so I'm not too concerned about the amount of work to do. I'm just finding it harder to settle in this year. I don't know...it's a combination of things.

Over the summer, one of the girls living in this house threatened myself and the other girl and that kind of "set the scene" unfortunately for the kind of dynamic that's in this house. Which is kind of sad on her behalf cause I'm here for school...and well, frankly I wouldn't be seeing her after school was finished anyways. So the fact that she burnt the friendship bridge with myself and the other girl living here, well that's her own fault. And while she seems to think there is still tension, myself and D are carrying out our lives as regular law students, trying to forget that anything even happened. Why let it control our lives? But it did put a damper about the excitement of moving into this place. Oh well...next year here will be better (Provided M moves out) haha!

As for school...well, because I don't feel settled I feel like I'm missing something. Like there is an element to my studies that isn't there and I can't figure out what it is. There is nothing more that I can do..I'm working twice as hard as I did last year (if that's even possible) and still there is a strange feeling about the work that I am doing. I wish that I could put my finger on it or at least do something to remove this feeling, but I think that's going to be my challenge for this year. I just have to remain calm and not let the amount of work that I'm doing, or have to do, break me down. I'm almost at the boiling point, but I don't want to allow myself to break down or I'll have a really hard time picking up the pieces.

I'm missing S so much. It was super hard to leave him, and I was in tears the entire time I was waiting for my flight over here. While I'm here I feel down that I don't have him by my side each night...there are times when I could just use his arms around me and I don't have them here. It's definitely trying...but our love is stronger than any distance and by being in school I'm working on something that will better our future. My career will help contribute to the life that we want together. (yes, I am STILL waiting for him to pop the question...hahaha) I'm trying to be patient on that fact, but it's hard when you're faced with tonnes of people around you getting engaged and it's like "hello, I know that this is the right step for us...so that's the hold up?!" haha Why don't guys ever get it?! No matter how much you explain something to them, somehow the whole things remains a mystery to them!? HOW?!

Anyways, now that Wednesday's are lecture free I've created a to do list for myself to get done for this week. I am aiming to finish it by tomorrow so I should probably crack on right now. I am hoping that now I have book marked this page that I will be on here a bit more frequently. I know I've said it in the past that I will write on here more, but I'm going to make certain that I do. It's a good release of all the things that are in my head and I need to sort out, but can't really sort out in an orderly fashion in a conversation with someone else. :P
Needless to say, my blog will be on my weekly to do list! And it will get done (apart from a couple weeks over the Christmas break when I won't have access to the internet)

Anywho...off I go, to tackle this mountain of a list! Until next week....

It's been an interesting couple weeks back home. I've had moments where I've been super happy and moments where I've found myself in tears. It's been "interesting". Why the tears? Well, for the first time in my life I've felt useless. I had a job lined up for when I got home from school and turned out that the guy took me for a ride and expected me to just sit around and "wait for work" until it came to his office and even when it did that he wasn't sure if he could pay me.  It's definitely been a test of faith. How can you really trust that you'll have enough finances to cover the things you need covered for the next year away if you don't even have a job? 

I've never applied to so many jobs before at one time. And I'm still frustrated from experiences in England with the professional world with no one responding. How does the professional world get ahead if they fail to communicate with people?? I just don't get it. *sigh*...needless to say, I'm stressed out and at times it overcomes me and I get a little overwhelmed. I've been in tears a couple times in front of my boyfriend and that stresses me out even more because I know he doesn't like it when I cry....but that's always been my reaction when I feel hurt about something.

And the other part of me is excited to be home because I get to see him so much...however I don't want to overwhelm him. He's been used to me not being around and only talking through text message and the odd time on webcam. But it's the part of me that wants to make up for all the date nights we missed out on....I understand though that he still needs his space. He needs to stay "himself" and do the things that he did while I was away....and I'm trying to not let my "worst case scenario" voice change what I should really be feeling. All he needs is space...he still loves me, and still wants to be with me...he just wants his time with his friends so that he can keep being himself. There is nothing wrong with that...and I am independent enough that I can do things on my own as well....and me wanting to be together 24/7 isn't the fact that I'm desperate or clingy...it's just that I've missed being around him so much when I was away...that's all it is. And I love every single moment with him. But like someone once told me...he and I need to have the odd days where we do our own things so that we miss the other and that when we come together for bed at night we can share our stories from the days together.

I love that boy so much...and I value all our time together and how supportive of me he is. I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life. It's just teaching myself that he wants his time with his friends, and that's all it is...time with his friends. It's nothing against me...so I can't allow myself to feel that I've done something wrong when he wants to go out with his friends. Or if he is mad...like he said last night, if it's not something I've done and I can't do anything about it I can't beat myself up. But I just worry about him because I want him to be happy and I don't like when someone or something has upset him...and then I get upset because I can't do anything about it and yeah. I'll be alright.

So all in all, it's been an interesting few weeks at home. While it's good to be home...part of it was that my mind was thinking "have you been gone so long that you don't really fit any longer because people have carried on with their lives without me in it"....sigh....I'll enjoy the summer while I'm here...but it's hard. It's hard knowing that I will be going away yet again...and once again life will carry on and people will get together and do things without me there....and it will feel like i'm just an outsider looking in wishing that I was more a part of people's lives and that things didn't change.

It's still taking some time to readjust to being home, but for the most part (just the odd thoughts that come and go), I'm loving being home and loving being with those that mean the most to me!
Let's see what the rest of my time at home brings.

Stressed to the max...

The Easter break has come and gone and I just lived through a week of hell. *sigh* is this year over yet?! I am SO looking forward to being done with this year. First year has really had some trying points to it and I hope that I can look back on it one day and smile...but right now all I want to do is look back and run away and cry. It's been so stressful and it's not going to stop being stressful until I put my pen down at the end of my last exam. Oh yay! :S  I've got 6 more weeks until that can happen.
So, from now until then things are going to be in high gear and I'm just going to pray that I can come out at the end still alive and not completely run down.

There is still alot to do, even though to some it wouldn't seem like much. I've got three seminars to prepare for, a death penalty paper, a mock exam, plus the real exams to study for, all the while trying to balance my sanity and health. Yeah it's alot....*sigh*.

Just wanted to touch base on here before it all starts so that when I do finally resurface, it wouldn't have been that long since I last had contact with the world!

Until then.."happy" studying for me and enjoy life everyone!