It's hard to say where my emotions will be each day. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been numb and then there is anger. It's all pent up inside and I have yet to find someone who fully understands what I'm going through. That's the sad thing...no one does. And as much as people say they are there for me, I can't help but feel that I'll never be able to fully express how I'm feeling.
I miss home...and all I want is to be with my mom. I miss her! And I wish that there was more to do for her; especially at this time. It's a stressful and worrying situation and I am starting to recede into myself to "figure out" how to get through this. Sure, there have been rants to my life partner, but even he doesn't know what to say and sometimes it gets frustrating because I can't fully express how I am feeling without fear of upsetting him or whatnot. I don't know, maybe I'm just a little crazy with respect to all this.
What is there to do though that will help to better express what is going through my mind and through my heart. I feel broken inside and I worry that mom isn't telling us how she really feels. All that I want to do is take this away from her and not let her go through it. :( Why my mom? She's the best woman that I know in this world and she is the only person who fully understands me and how I react to situations in this world. Her and I are the same....and if I can be half the woman she is when I am her age then I will be blessed simply knowing that my foundations in life came from her!
Lately I've been reading blogs from various people and trying to find some inspiration for my own writing. I have this desire to get back into expressing myself through words and bring my writing back up to the level where people were telling me that I could really get my point across through the words that I chose to use. Right now, because of everything going through my mind, I don't feel that i can do that to the ability that I used to have. Where did my passion for journalling go? It was something that was done on a daily basis and now it is something that comes into mind as an 'activity that I should get back into', but that's about it. Feelings used to be poured out through doodles and words covering pages of journals that represented where I stood in life at that moment. Is it the thought of someone reading those precious thoughts and using them against me? Or is it for the protection of the memories that are just mine and mom's?! I cherish everything that she and I share and I can only hope for many more years of those memories.....
So for now, while she goes through this 'fight' and comes out a survivor, my mind will present me with thoughts and emotions that I need to find a way to come to terms with. Until then I feel that I will remain....AT A LOSS
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