Second year...full swing...home run?

Well, I'm almost at the halfway point of second year law. What can I say?! This year has been super hard...in terms of being away from home that is. There is a heavier workload but that's expected so I'm not too concerned about the amount of work to do. I'm just finding it harder to settle in this year. I don't know...it's a combination of things.

Over the summer, one of the girls living in this house threatened myself and the other girl and that kind of "set the scene" unfortunately for the kind of dynamic that's in this house. Which is kind of sad on her behalf cause I'm here for school...and well, frankly I wouldn't be seeing her after school was finished anyways. So the fact that she burnt the friendship bridge with myself and the other girl living here, well that's her own fault. And while she seems to think there is still tension, myself and D are carrying out our lives as regular law students, trying to forget that anything even happened. Why let it control our lives? But it did put a damper about the excitement of moving into this place. Oh well...next year here will be better (Provided M moves out) haha!

As for school...well, because I don't feel settled I feel like I'm missing something. Like there is an element to my studies that isn't there and I can't figure out what it is. There is nothing more that I can do..I'm working twice as hard as I did last year (if that's even possible) and still there is a strange feeling about the work that I am doing. I wish that I could put my finger on it or at least do something to remove this feeling, but I think that's going to be my challenge for this year. I just have to remain calm and not let the amount of work that I'm doing, or have to do, break me down. I'm almost at the boiling point, but I don't want to allow myself to break down or I'll have a really hard time picking up the pieces.

I'm missing S so much. It was super hard to leave him, and I was in tears the entire time I was waiting for my flight over here. While I'm here I feel down that I don't have him by my side each night...there are times when I could just use his arms around me and I don't have them here. It's definitely trying...but our love is stronger than any distance and by being in school I'm working on something that will better our future. My career will help contribute to the life that we want together. (yes, I am STILL waiting for him to pop the question...hahaha) I'm trying to be patient on that fact, but it's hard when you're faced with tonnes of people around you getting engaged and it's like "hello, I know that this is the right step for us...so that's the hold up?!" haha Why don't guys ever get it?! No matter how much you explain something to them, somehow the whole things remains a mystery to them!? HOW?!

Anyways, now that Wednesday's are lecture free I've created a to do list for myself to get done for this week. I am aiming to finish it by tomorrow so I should probably crack on right now. I am hoping that now I have book marked this page that I will be on here a bit more frequently. I know I've said it in the past that I will write on here more, but I'm going to make certain that I do. It's a good release of all the things that are in my head and I need to sort out, but can't really sort out in an orderly fashion in a conversation with someone else. :P
Needless to say, my blog will be on my weekly to do list! And it will get done (apart from a couple weeks over the Christmas break when I won't have access to the internet)

Anywho...off I go, to tackle this mountain of a list! Until next week....

It's been an interesting couple weeks back home. I've had moments where I've been super happy and moments where I've found myself in tears. It's been "interesting". Why the tears? Well, for the first time in my life I've felt useless. I had a job lined up for when I got home from school and turned out that the guy took me for a ride and expected me to just sit around and "wait for work" until it came to his office and even when it did that he wasn't sure if he could pay me.  It's definitely been a test of faith. How can you really trust that you'll have enough finances to cover the things you need covered for the next year away if you don't even have a job? 

I've never applied to so many jobs before at one time. And I'm still frustrated from experiences in England with the professional world with no one responding. How does the professional world get ahead if they fail to communicate with people?? I just don't get it. *sigh*...needless to say, I'm stressed out and at times it overcomes me and I get a little overwhelmed. I've been in tears a couple times in front of my boyfriend and that stresses me out even more because I know he doesn't like it when I cry....but that's always been my reaction when I feel hurt about something.

And the other part of me is excited to be home because I get to see him so much...however I don't want to overwhelm him. He's been used to me not being around and only talking through text message and the odd time on webcam. But it's the part of me that wants to make up for all the date nights we missed out on....I understand though that he still needs his space. He needs to stay "himself" and do the things that he did while I was away....and I'm trying to not let my "worst case scenario" voice change what I should really be feeling. All he needs is space...he still loves me, and still wants to be with me...he just wants his time with his friends so that he can keep being himself. There is nothing wrong with that...and I am independent enough that I can do things on my own as well....and me wanting to be together 24/7 isn't the fact that I'm desperate or clingy...it's just that I've missed being around him so much when I was away...that's all it is. And I love every single moment with him. But like someone once told me...he and I need to have the odd days where we do our own things so that we miss the other and that when we come together for bed at night we can share our stories from the days together.

I love that boy so much...and I value all our time together and how supportive of me he is. I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life. It's just teaching myself that he wants his time with his friends, and that's all it is...time with his friends. It's nothing against me...so I can't allow myself to feel that I've done something wrong when he wants to go out with his friends. Or if he is mad...like he said last night, if it's not something I've done and I can't do anything about it I can't beat myself up. But I just worry about him because I want him to be happy and I don't like when someone or something has upset him...and then I get upset because I can't do anything about it and yeah. I'll be alright.

So all in all, it's been an interesting few weeks at home. While it's good to be home...part of it was that my mind was thinking "have you been gone so long that you don't really fit any longer because people have carried on with their lives without me in it"....sigh....I'll enjoy the summer while I'm here...but it's hard. It's hard knowing that I will be going away yet again...and once again life will carry on and people will get together and do things without me there....and it will feel like i'm just an outsider looking in wishing that I was more a part of people's lives and that things didn't change.

It's still taking some time to readjust to being home, but for the most part (just the odd thoughts that come and go), I'm loving being home and loving being with those that mean the most to me!
Let's see what the rest of my time at home brings.

Stressed to the max...

The Easter break has come and gone and I just lived through a week of hell. *sigh* is this year over yet?! I am SO looking forward to being done with this year. First year has really had some trying points to it and I hope that I can look back on it one day and smile...but right now all I want to do is look back and run away and cry. It's been so stressful and it's not going to stop being stressful until I put my pen down at the end of my last exam. Oh yay! :S  I've got 6 more weeks until that can happen.
So, from now until then things are going to be in high gear and I'm just going to pray that I can come out at the end still alive and not completely run down.

There is still alot to do, even though to some it wouldn't seem like much. I've got three seminars to prepare for, a death penalty paper, a mock exam, plus the real exams to study for, all the while trying to balance my sanity and health. Yeah it's alot....*sigh*.

Just wanted to touch base on here before it all starts so that when I do finally resurface, it wouldn't have been that long since I last had contact with the world!

Until then.."happy" studying for me and enjoy life everyone!

Easter Break...

Well, the break has arrived and so far this week I have not accomplished as much as I would have liked. Sucks!  Let's just hope for the rest of today and tomorrow I will get alot done. I need to cram as much as I can in the next two days because:
1) going to student housegroup thursday night this week so I won't be able to get anything done then
2) my parents are going to be coming up to newcastle from Friday afternoon until Tuesday morning - so who wants to be doing any work when their parents are here?! haha I'll probably do some at night when they drop me back off at residence and then get up early to get stuff done before they pick me up in the mornings
3) then I'll be staying at my aunt's for the remainder of the easter break so I won't be able to freely leave all my books around, etc, so whatever I get done will be limited to what is on my computer and in the one book/binder I'll be bringing with me. sheesh!

I want to make the most of my easter break and gain plenty of revision time and essay completion as well. I'll be able to work on my public essay while I'm at my aunt's thankfully because it is a problem question (but a problem question on a topic i hate)...

Also this easter I'll be taking in another ncl football game! WOOHOO! hahaha! And judging an easter egg painting competition with my aunt...should be fun! :P Definitely going to bring my camera around with me to capture memories. :)

so in less than 12 weeks I'll be back home. Yikes! I'm super excited but kind of nervous about that because it means exams are going to be here soon! *le sigh*...I really want to do well this year even though it doesn't count towards degree classification. Would really like to end this year with a first in each subject...it's going to take alot of dedication, stamina, focus, prayer and hard work! I will succeed!!! Easter break - you are the time for me to put myself in the best possible position to achieve my goal! :)

93 days...

It's not officially booked, but by the end of this month it will be. I am so excited!! I cannot wait to have that confirmation in my hand! And the best part is...it's only 93 days away!!! Yippee!!!

So what is it?!  I'M COMING HOME...for the summer only, but that's not the point! I haven't been home since September....and in 93 days I'll be back there!! I am SO looking forward to it. And the most exciting part about it is that the love of my life is picking me up from the airport!! YAY!!!!

I love England, always have and always will...but not seeing members of your family that you've seen pretty much every single day of your life, is hard! I miss them....I miss the hugs from my nephews, I miss the laughs with my sister over inside jokes....I miss the

board games and movie nights...and I miss date nights! *le sigh*

I have amazing family over here though...and without them I never would have gotten through this year...and I know in the two years to come I will need them more than ever! And while I have needed the time here to really come to my own....I can't be blamed for being excited about going home.

I think second year in law school will be my favorite....cause while I'll have a year still to go, I will have gotten over the rotten first year where they try to weed the weaklings out. hahaha! It's definitely been a learning experience this year, and there are things that I will definitely take away to tweak next year so that it is even better! I think too, now that friendships have been established, it will be easier to get through the years! :) 

I'm going to cherish my three months at home though...it will fly by and before I know it I'll be back here writing from another country. haha! But for now...yay! 93 days to go! :)  I am definitely going to pick up my blogging from now on and I regret not keeping it more up to date as this year went by...it would have been interesting to track how things went and how I developed. Ah well, there is always next year....and well, I promise to track the rest of this year better than I have done in the past.

The Hard Topics..

All I can say is that yesterday's lectures were ALL very sombering. First thing, 9am, we're talking about the death penalty. Oh how wonderful :s....then an hour break involved a further debate about it. Next lecture, and get ready for it...we discuss the holocaust, the problems in Syria, and this latest Kony2012 movement. It was a little hard to get through the day no less.

But when you think of all those issues, you can sit back and be grateful that the worst thing you have to worry about is whether or not you'll pass an exam or write a great paperr. Why is it that we all focus on what's going wrong with us and forget the people who are suffering in this world. I, myself am guilty of this as well. I've caught myself in the past saying that this is the worst day ever, and nothing will ever make things better....but really, what right do I have to say that?!

We should really take our own problems into perspective, and I'm talking about the problems like "oh i dropped my phone and it broke, or I slept in so I didn't get to shower". I am not saying that people in our homes don't have serious problems, because some people do, and they are working through their troubles...but I'm talking about when we complain about something being so wrong that is easily fixable. For example...we go to the grocery store, do our shopping, get home and while unpacking realize we got the wrong kind of bread. We stand there and grumble, when there are people who would simply be grateful they could afford bread, or they had the ability to go to a grocery store at all. As a society, we make big problems out of issues that really don't need to be "big problems". For some it's out of plain ignorance, and for others it's a way to avoid talking about the hard topics in our world.

But yesterday's lectures have shown me that you need to talk about the hard topics. There will be no change in this world if we ignore the fact that there are serious issues going on and continue to make more problems out of the little things that in the end won't really matter. The wrong type of bread will still make the sandwiches for your lunches during the week....

So here's my challenge....find one news story, of an issue that is going on in this world...and educate yourself about it. And on the days where you think all hope is lost (and it's a day where your biggest problem is choosing what to wear)....again I'm NOT saying that people don't have serious issues to deal with at home....and remember that there is someone out there wishing they could be in your position to escape whatever horror they may be facing! There are always better days ahead!!

Get a grip...

Some people really need to get a grip of themselves. I usually don't get angry with people, but this time it's gone a bit too far and it's frustrated me to the point that it's actually making me very angry.  I don't like this feeling, but seriously people!

There is someone here who I have become friends with...we related with each other on the basis that we are both from the Toronto area...but seriously...she's taken things a little too far and frankly, I've had enough. I don't want to give up on friendships, but I also don't want to be walked on like I'm a doormat.

1) She is obsessed with a guy back home, goes around calling him her hubby and such...the guy doesn't even acknowledge her existence. Fine, whatever, people can do what they like...what bothers me is that she feels that it is her place and that she has the right to compare her "relationship" with this guy to my relationship with my life long partner. I'm sorry, but no...it's not the same damn thing!!  For one, my man acknowledges me and we talk all the time...the two of us are in love and it is a love that will last forever!!!! We are building a relationship on a friendship!  But constantly this girl is saying that what I have with my man is exactly the same as what she has with hers...IT'S NOT...for crying out loud!! She's so concerned with just getting a "reaction" from him but then turns around and complains when other people say that they are getting engaged or are in a happy relationship. Seriously...get a grip!

2) With school..she is always freaking out about things WAY before there ever needs to be a freak out. She goes on and on about how she wants to do well, but she spends all her time freaking out about wanting to do well that she never approaches anything with a clear head.  She EXPECTS me to explain things to her, and I'm sorry, I don't have time to always do that. I will help where I can...cause that's what I do...I help people...but if someone isn't even going to listen to what I have to say to help them or take any of my advice why should I continue to help them?!  I know that sounds harsh, but my whole life people have taken advantage of my giving nature and treated me like the doormat of life, only paying attention to me or pretending to like me when they want something from me. I can't do it anymore.

Seriously people, get a grip on your lives. If you need help I will more than willing help you...but if you ask for my help and take it but don't apply it...don't expect me to keep doing that forever. There is a point where it's a waste of my time....and don't pretend to like me just so that I will help you...it's not fair to me!!

Ok, enough of the rant, wow it makes me sound terrible, but it's better that I get it out here than lashing out at someone. Like I said, I don't throw friendships away, but people need to take control of their own lives and stop asking someone else to explain or lead their life for them. I have my own goals...and I'm here to work on achieving them.

I'm at law school to get my law degree so that I can go back to Canada and open my own firm and focus on helping those who can't help themselves but are genuinely looking for the help. You don't see clients going to their lawyers, asking for help and then completely disregarding what the lawyer suggests for the amount of money that they are paying or that may be at stake if it involves a trial. No....those people need the help and are willing to do what they need to to get a new grip on their lives...that's what I want to do. This girl here, that claims she is my friend...she needs to really sit down and ask herself why she is here...if she's freaking out now about a simple essay that, if you approach it with a clear mind you'll do well, then how is she going to react when she is faced with a trial where she has to prove her client's innocence...another lawyer is not going to bail her out and do all the work for her, otherwise they should get paid instead of her. She needs to stand on her own two feet and take advice that is given to her for what it is...advice...and not just information that should be thrown away...because that is being taken from someone who is of value as well.

Looking at the length of this post it would seem that I had alot bottled up inside. haha! I promise to try and make my next post a little more positive...perhaps include an excerpt from one of my essays coming up...law school is great, but I can't wait for the summer!! hahaha!

2012...what's in store?!

So the whole point of me starting this blog back before the summer was to track my progress...haha...well it's evident that this has been a little neglected and I've failed to post about my first semester here. Well 2012 is here, and a month in I've had plenty of time to reflect on a couple of different areas in my life.

School:

The first semester is just wrapping up and what a ride it has been.  I have started my law degree at Newcastle and there are a few things that I've taken away from it about school in general and about myself as well. The structure here, while it is a great school, could use a bit of tweaking. It's disheartening when you invest in yourself to be here and you have a professor tell you that they pretty much could care less about why you're there. I see so many of the students not really caring because they don't want to be there for the mere reason that they have no idea what they want to do in life. Alot of the first years I have spoken to since I got here applied to the school because their parents told them to and that they really couldn't be bothered.  That really threw me...didn't expect it at all. I know sometimes people need to figure out where they want to go...but some of them REALLY have no idea...don't even know what they like to do apart from drink. Sad really....

I find it frustrating at times, and have over the weeks during the first semester when I've witnessed the students not taking it seriously, reminded myself that I am here for me and no one else. If they don't want to take it seriously then that's up to them, but for me this is my chance to do something to get me one step closer to my goals in life. I have known that law was the career I wanted for a long time now and nothing is going to stop me from achieving that goal. One day at a time though and one year of law school at a time as well.

The school itself is fantastic. It's a mix of the old with the new and it's done in such a tasteful way that you can see how the school has transformed through the years to continually incorporate the up and coming generations while respecting the work and dedication of generations gone by. The architecture is beautiful and on the days when the sun is shining, and no need to rush from class to class...I find myself taking pictures to capture memories of this place.

Life in general:

There have been good days and there have been some bad over the last few months. I've spent a few nights crying myself to sleep...but that's normal right?! Been thinking alot about my goals and the things I want to do in life...it's amazing to me that I've come this far and I'm still learning new things about myself. How is that even possible?! You would think out of all the people in this world that you would know yourself the best...but that's unfortunately not always the case.

I have learned how, on my own I can be a better teacher to myself of things that are supposed to be taught by someone in that profession. haha! I guess I just don't have the patience to really gain much from someone who talks to people like they are idiots, so I've come to rely on myself in a number of different areas.

Also, since being here, I have learned that there are people in my life that I NEED to be around...hahaha! Lame I know, because people say you should never depend on anyone else...but while I am living my own life for me as an independent person, I have been shown that I can't do it on my own. There are those that I need to be "close" to. There are people here that I am friends with but I still wouldn't say they were a friend I could tell my deepest secrets to and in actual fact I don't see myself being able to at all...there is just some kind of connection not clicking to make me feel that comfortable with some of them...but certain individuals back home in Canada...I could tell them anything.

I miss C***....her and I...we are the type of friends who are so similar that we just understand each other and why the other feels a certain way. There aren't many friendships like that in this world...

Being in England, I have met some really interesting people. Oh there are people I get along with really well and enjoy hanging out with...but for one such individual it has to come only in small doses. She has turned what I thought would be a great friendship into one where I feel like I'm being spoken for when I a)don't need to be, b) have nothing to say on a particular subject and c) really just dont want to be involved with. It's fine hanging out when she's not freaking out over things that really don't need to be freaked out about..and when giving advice to help...which is what friends do...it's like it goes in one ear and out the other and she would rather be stressing out about something that doesn't even have to be worried about. *sigh*

Love:

I miss a certain individual immensely and while being here is great, it has been hard being away from him.

We talk on a daily basis and I don't know what I would do if we couldn't communicate. He is my soul mate, that is for sure, and I'm so grateful to him and to be talking about the future together and the happiness that we will experience together. For the first time, my relationship with someone has been about a true love, built on friendship, trust, and happiness. That's what it should be about...it shouldn't be about being afraid of being alone in life....with him my life is complete. I feel safest in his arms...and I want to spend my whole life showing him just how much he means to me and how much I love him.


Well, this post has become a bit long winded. And now that I've had a splurge on here I shall do what I can to maintain it on a better and more consistent basis. Perhaps do a weekly update as time goes by and see what happens. :P  Maybe even throw in special posts for special occasions.
So as I say farewell from St Mary's College for the night...I will continue to reflect on where I am now and where 2012 will take me in all its greatness!!