It's been an interesting couple weeks back home. I've had moments where I've been super happy and moments where I've found myself in tears. It's been "interesting". Why the tears? Well, for the first time in my life I've felt useless. I had a job lined up for when I got home from school and turned out that the guy took me for a ride and expected me to just sit around and "wait for work" until it came to his office and even when it did that he wasn't sure if he could pay me.  It's definitely been a test of faith. How can you really trust that you'll have enough finances to cover the things you need covered for the next year away if you don't even have a job? 

I've never applied to so many jobs before at one time. And I'm still frustrated from experiences in England with the professional world with no one responding. How does the professional world get ahead if they fail to communicate with people?? I just don't get it. *sigh*...needless to say, I'm stressed out and at times it overcomes me and I get a little overwhelmed. I've been in tears a couple times in front of my boyfriend and that stresses me out even more because I know he doesn't like it when I cry....but that's always been my reaction when I feel hurt about something.

And the other part of me is excited to be home because I get to see him so much...however I don't want to overwhelm him. He's been used to me not being around and only talking through text message and the odd time on webcam. But it's the part of me that wants to make up for all the date nights we missed out on....I understand though that he still needs his space. He needs to stay "himself" and do the things that he did while I was away....and I'm trying to not let my "worst case scenario" voice change what I should really be feeling. All he needs is space...he still loves me, and still wants to be with me...he just wants his time with his friends so that he can keep being himself. There is nothing wrong with that...and I am independent enough that I can do things on my own as well....and me wanting to be together 24/7 isn't the fact that I'm desperate or clingy...it's just that I've missed being around him so much when I was away...that's all it is. And I love every single moment with him. But like someone once told me...he and I need to have the odd days where we do our own things so that we miss the other and that when we come together for bed at night we can share our stories from the days together.

I love that boy so much...and I value all our time together and how supportive of me he is. I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life. It's just teaching myself that he wants his time with his friends, and that's all it is...time with his friends. It's nothing against me...so I can't allow myself to feel that I've done something wrong when he wants to go out with his friends. Or if he is mad...like he said last night, if it's not something I've done and I can't do anything about it I can't beat myself up. But I just worry about him because I want him to be happy and I don't like when someone or something has upset him...and then I get upset because I can't do anything about it and yeah. I'll be alright.

So all in all, it's been an interesting few weeks at home. While it's good to be home...part of it was that my mind was thinking "have you been gone so long that you don't really fit any longer because people have carried on with their lives without me in it"....sigh....I'll enjoy the summer while I'm here...but it's hard. It's hard knowing that I will be going away yet again...and once again life will carry on and people will get together and do things without me there....and it will feel like i'm just an outsider looking in wishing that I was more a part of people's lives and that things didn't change.

It's still taking some time to readjust to being home, but for the most part (just the odd thoughts that come and go), I'm loving being home and loving being with those that mean the most to me!
Let's see what the rest of my time at home brings.